LESSONS LEARNED IN 2015:
Hang out with It-girls, persuade everyone how important you really are by befriending the most popular girls on the planet. Take notes from Scream Queens Chanel’s gang.
Fuck music, take your merchandise to the next level, release some thrift store fashion luxury line, call yourself a fashion designer and get “Shoe of the year” award.
Always make sure your superman attire (e.g. cape) is not fastened tightly, otherwise you’ll end up flying off that stage like a super heroine.
Don’t be a racist, homophobe, xenophobe or a douche in general
and NEVER blame the gays. They have the power to turn you from a music producer to nobody, faster than a status update on Facebook.
Release a unique limited edition copy of your album and sell it for 2Million, but don’t get disappointed when some dickhead buys it. Your hardcore fans are probably broke.
Disappear for a few years and when everyone is about to forget your name release a single and simply reintroduce yourself saying: Hello, it’s me!
Short on PR publicity or you keep failing to impress with your music? Show your bits! You can always blame the paparazzi, the hacker or your ex who leaked your anaconda online (never your manager).
The bigger the booty – the less talent – the more of an Instagram sensation you are likely to become. Embrace your curves and who knows you might be the next artist who will break the internet.
Wanna make money fast in R&B or mainstream HipHop? Use these words in your song: bootie, bitch, money, pussy, hoe, baby and most of all “the N-word” repeatedly.
Expand your market by becoming an interdisciplinary, multitalented artist: actress, model, fashion designer… you name it. You may even get nominated for a Golden Globe!
Are you finally attending the Met Gala? Un/Dress to impress. Wear something that covers only the body parts that could cause censorship to your pictures or go wild and dress like an omelet. It’s a win-win situation.